Hi Sophie.
The reason why it is going to be difficult to do
this is simply because there are many parts of the essay which don’t look like
they’ve been thoroughly proof read. However, I’ll try to work around that and
tell you what corrections need to be done so that you can get your final draft
to me.
Paragraph 1 – You firstly state that there are ‘three types
of comedy’ when I think you mean ‘three types of play.’
Your last sentence says, ‘this is often presented by elders’.
I’m not sure what you mean by this. You either need to clarify what you mean or
correct it if it is a typing error or similar.
Have a look back over this paragraph and make sure that you
are happy with the way it flows in terms of the grammar and punctuation that
you have used. Grammar is extremely important in these essays, and you can lose
a lot of marks if it is not done well.
Paragraph 2 – I don’t think that this should be a separate
paragraph. This reads as if it is a continuation of the introduction, so just
make this part of your original into. Again, you’ve put ‘comedy’ instead of ‘play’
in your final sentence. Be careful of making mistakes such as this.
Paragraph 3 – Change your first sentence, as it doesn’t
really scan very well. Characters would not want to ‘avoid a happy ending’; you
make it sound as if a happy ending is a bad thing.
Hero does not fake her death in order to marry Claudio per
se. She fakes her death on the advice of the Friar in order to make the truth
present itself. Yes, it is true that, under the societal laws of the time, she
has to allow her old ‘shamed’ self to be seen symbolically as dead in order to
live on, but you must make this a bit clearer.
In the second half of your paragraph you have a very long
sentence separated by a few commas. Shorten it, as it isn’t grammatically
correct.
Analyse the quote that you have chosen a bit more. For
example, why does Claudio say ‘let her die’? It is almost as if he is using a ‘passive’
voice, which shows how indifferent he is at this point to Hero’s death. Link
this to context. How can a man who was so in love have such a sudden change of
heart? It is because of Elizabethan attitudes towards chastity (or the lack of
it).
Try to find another example from the text which backs up
your point of ‘a struggle for young lovers to overcome difficulty). More
evidence = better argument = more marks.
Paragraph 4 – Firstly, there is no evidence in this
paragraph. If you give me paragraphs without evidence, they are pretty much
wasted space. You need to be focussing closely on the text in order to score
highly.
Secondly, you mention that some comedies are called ‘problem’
or ‘dark’ comedies. Where did you get this from? If you have taken this from a
secondary source, credit it and then you will be able to show evidence that you
have done wider reading.
Thirdly, be careful. You call Claudio Hero’s ‘husband’. He
is not at this point in the play.
Lastly, you need to draw out your argument more (once you
have added some evidence) and link it to the context of the play. I don’t think
that Claudio does feel guilty about Hero’s death until quite late on. In fact,
it is only once Hero’s name has been ‘cleared’ and the plot is ‘outed’ by Dogberry
that he feels guilty. Until then, he is actually quite cocky and outspoken on
the matter. You’ll find plenty of evidence to back this up in the scene where
Leonato challenges him to a duel and, later, Benedick does the same. You need
to draw out this discussion and talk about how Hero is very much a tragic
character at this point. There is the tragedy of an innocent character dying,
with her ‘noble’ fiancé feeling nothing over it. However, there is also a more
subtle tragedy suggested by Shakespeare, that a person’s good name can be
tarnished by words so quickly and easily. You could link this even further to
the ‘tragic arc’ which many people have mentioned in their coursework. You
could have a long and drawn out discussion about how Hero’s ‘tragic flaw’ is
the fact that she is so meek and quiet. She hardly talks, even when it would be
expected for her to do so. Near the start of the play, she talks very little
compared to the more outspoken ‘Beatrice’. When she gets engaged to Claudio,
she merely whispers in his ear. Etc etc. It is partly because she is so
mild-mannered that she is unable to speak up for herself or defend herself when
the wild accusations are made. It is worth mentioning that the allegations are
made by a ‘bastard’, and yet even he is believed over Hero! What does this say
about women?
Evidence and explanation all the way through please!
Paragraph 5 – Hero means ‘a person who protects and defends’.
Make sure you correct this wording.
In the third line, make sure you capitalise ‘Hero’
You say that Hero does not show confidence in the rest of
the play. She actually does show quite a lot of confidence in two parts but
they are both when ‘deception’ (another feature of Shakespearean Comedy) is
taking place, - in the masquerade ball, and when she and Ursula are plotting to
convince Beatrice that Benedick loves her. It is particularly important that
Hero is confident when she wears a mask because this, again, reflects women’s
place in society: that they can only say what they truly feel when their
identity is hidden. Focus on the language used in the quotation you have
chosen. Firstly, Shakespeare has used religious lexis, ‘God’, in order to show
her utter fear and anger. This really would suggest tragedy rather than comedy.
Secondly, look up the meaning of the word ‘catechizing’ – it refers to the
practice of questioning someone, often forcefully, under religious means. This
could, contextually, be attempting to get the audience to think of the crusades
and the cruel things that happened in the middle ages because of Christian
catechizing. Also, she uses a rhetorical question which automatically gets the
audience thinking about the plight she finds herself in.
You must analyse your evidence like this in order to get
into the top bands.
Paragraph 6 – If you’re going to make the point that love is
a big topic, you MUST provide evidence: preferably more than one piece.
Paragraph 7 – If Hero is a stock character, you must explain
which type of stock character she is. Again, you MUST provide evidence in order
to make this paragraph worthwhile. You are wasting your word limit if you do
not provide evidence to support your point.
Paragraph 8 – You have mentioned restoration comedy. This is
not a restoration comedy, it is earlier. It is a Shakespearean comedy.
Find more evidence to back up your point about Hero. Yes,
she is a lot different when masked. So, find more evidence to support this AND
explain why this is. I think I have already covered this earlier on in my
notes.
Paragraph 9 – Delete this. You have already made this point.
Paragraph 10 – Again, you have already partially made this
point. You begin, here, to talk about what it is about this play which makes it
‘not’ a tragedy. If I were you, I would continue to argue this point. What exactly
does Shakespeare do in order to ensure that this does not happen? Firstly,
there is the placement of the comedy scenes featuring Dogberry which always
show up just after any of the tragic scenes take place. Make this point, and
give Shakespeare the credit. However, you will need to back up this point with
lots of evidence, so get reading. Secondly, you could make the point that Hero’s
‘death’ is not particularly tragic because we haven’t really become attached to
her. One of the features of Shakespearean comedy is ‘a greater focus on
situations than characters’. This is certainly true of Hero. At the point at which
she dies, the audience have not really been given the same opportunity to
become attached to her as they have with, say, Beatrice. This is because,
structurally, Shakespeare has not allowed her to impose her characteristics on
the play. She is quite weak and unassuming. Because of this, when she dies, we
can focus on the situation for what it is rather than mourning a character whom
we have become attached to. Again, you’ll need to back this up with evidence.
Paragraph 11 – The main problem of this paragraph is the
lack of punctuation. You really need to go through this sentence by sentence
and make sure that you correct your grammar. Secondly, it is a fair point to
make that Beatrice is far more ‘outspoken’ than Hero. Find more evidence to
support this. However, you must make sure that you are linking back to the
question. Say something like: ‘ for this reason, we might actually argue that
Hero is less of a comedic character and more tragic. In Beatrice, Shakespeare
seems to be showing the audience how entertaining and witty a woman can
potentially be, although she seems to break the boundaries of society. Hero, on
the other hand, is totally bound by what society expects of her and simply fits
the mould set out before her, making her seem a little more tragic in the
context of the time.
Paragraph 12 – Again, this is a wasted paragraph. If you
want to make this point, it MUST be backed up by evidence.
Paragraph 13 – I would delete this paragraph as it is not a
very strong point.
Paragraph 14 – You need to discuss your findings in more
depth to prove to the marker that you have really learned something across the
space and time of this assignment.
Overall – There are many small paragraphs here Sophie,
mainly due to the fact that you are not providing evidence to back up your
points, and explaining what sort of language features have been used and how
these quotes might affect an audience. Really, your essay should be made up of
around 8-9 large paragraphs which go into a lot of depth of discussion. Go
through and delete the paragraphs I have suggested and expand on the ones I
have given you instructions for.
Your main aims are:
*Find evidence from the text to back up ALL your points –
preferably MULTIPLE pieces of evidence.
*Analyse all your evidence saying what is important about
it, which language features have been used, and how might this evidence affect
your audience
*Always link the end of your paragraph directly back to the
question.
Lastly,
*PROOF READ every single sentence/paragraph. Make sure you
are separating your ideas with full stops, and make sure that the sentences
make sense when read out.
I’m sorry this is so long, but your essay will be much, much
better when you have made the changes.
NW
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